Hibernating blog

This will be my last post for a few months, as I’m going travelling to Central America in a couple of weeks time.

When I come back I’ll be busy setting up some new projects so I may be too busy to start posting straight away, but hopefully by around March or April things will have calmed down enough to renew hookjab blogging duties.

Thanks for dropping by to read Hookjab over the last year or so, and hopefully see you again the other side of the winter hibernation!

Milly xx

How the BBC has discouraged me from ever filling in a website feedback form again

I went to the BBC news website this afternoon, to be greeted by this chipper message:

“Wow!” I thought. “The BBC need me to help them keep their finger on the pulse! Of course I have 5 minutes for them. Although I do want to know what the Queen and Jordan (aka Katie Price, not the country) have in common.*” Exactly whose pulse the Beeb are trying to check wasn’t clear, but could it maybe perhaps maybe have anything to do with selling their soul to advertisers? In any case, I emphatically click ‘yes’.

What is the contry of my residence? I click on the UK.

Oh noes! Only international visitors can waste time filling in the survey. Game over. And yet, I still need to click the ‘finish’ button. Where might that take me?

…to another useless screen. My input has been greatly appreciated. Oh that’s nice. Of course it would’ve been nicer to have a link back to the news website which I was trying to visit in the first place, or even – gosh, this is crazytalk mind – to be told that I wasn’t eligible to fill in the survey four screens ago.

*Turns out they’re both considered extremely glamorous, but in very different ways.

Obligatory ‘weird things that you’re googling to get here’ post

What’s the best thing about blogging? Knowing that people other than your friends and family (Hi dad!) read your blog. And I know strangers read this because I have thousands of readers. (well, ok, tens usually… but thousands if you count that time I got 9,500 views in a day thanks to a weirdly popular reddit story.)

But the point is that thanks to the power of WordPress I know that there are people I don’t know personally who stumble upon this. So…

Hi there! Judging by what you’re searching for when you find this I’m not entirely sure I want you to stick around. Only kidding! I love you. I love all my readers. I’m desperate for attention. Never leave me, ok? I’ll give you everything you ever want. Which incidentally happens to be:

“wincy shek“. What is this? I have no idea. But a few people have found Hookjab by googling for it. Which is strange, as I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it before now.

“how bad is the Tornado F3” Really? I think it’s kinda cool.

“Kylie” “KYLIE” “Kylie Minogue” Not really what you were looking for, huh.

“a word for ”Im right and your wrong‘” …and yet without an apostrophe you’ll always be wrong.

“hookjab” “hook jab” Writing that ‘hooks’ you in to ‘jab’ you with ‘punchy writing’! Geddit? This is a blog about writing that uses boxing terms as weak puns! how clever is that.

“some of my best friends are graphic” Is this a confession or a boast? I’m intrigued.

“Address for May & Kilner, Solicitors” Sorry, never heard of them.

“Press release” “How to write a press release” “tips for writing a great press release” Actually something relevant! Consider this my gift to you.

“Animated clipart of boy writing” Not here, not now, not ever. Go away.

“bbc 1997 website” Hilarious isn’t it.

“writing email on hotmail and lost it” Aw, bad luck. And you came here looking for help presumably, and I gave you nothing. So have some retrospective sympathy.

“catriona irving you are so beautiful” Yes she is, but she’s also a good friend of mine and it’s weird that you’re pouring your heart into google. She can’t hear you through the internet, y’know, and for that I am glad. Now back off, weirdo.

Dilemma over

Huge thanks to everyone who offered their suggestions with my what do I do with the unexpected £100 problem.

I’m not overly keen on strippers, cocaine or chocolate digestives; Pixel* can pay her own way through college; and I would only raid a karmic money box. So this is what I’ve decided to do:

• £50 for the homeless charity in Glasgow
• posh chocolates for the man and his wife
• posh meal for me and my girlfriendo

Thanks again for your help!

*Pixel is a pet African Pygmy hedgehog for those who don’t know.

8 random things

Inspired by minxlj.tumblr.com, who was in turn inspired by Baron VC, here are 8 random and rather indulgent facts about me.

1. A year ago I took the end of a finger off while chopping vegetables (carrots I believe). I threw the tip in the bin, although my mum later told me I should’ve tried to stick it back on. It’s not nearly as bad as Minxlj’s fingertips-severed-in-folding-chair incident, but I too only have a tiny measly scar now, which is quite out of proportion to the amount of pain and blood.

2. Carrots are still my favourite vegetable.

3. I’m left handed and find it odd when other southpaws operate the mouse with their left hand.

4. I was born in Nice, France, just like the biscuits.

5. I am bilingual, one language being English, the other not being French.

6. Unlike 98% of the world, I think the new Transformers film is great.

7. My family is proof of the existence of a gay gene. On my mother’s side I have 12 cousins, so that’s 13 in the generation if you include me. Four of us are gay – 31%. And of the remaining nine, four are under the age of 15. Personally I think the real gay total is likely to get boosted to 38% sooner or later, but only time will tell.

8. I am a big fan of backgammon.

One amazing fact I bet you didn’t know about bacteria

I’ve just eaten a yoghurt, and as usual I was absentmindedly reading every last scrap of information on the packaging. Then I read something rather odd:

This yoghurt contains the friendly bacteria HOWARU™ Bifido, exclusive to Marks & Spencer. These can benefit your overall wellbeing by maintaining a healthy and balanced digestive system, if enjoyed once a day or more. HOWARU™ is a trademark of Danisco.

The mind boggles. I’ve always been somewhat skeptical of ‘friendly bacteria’ (if they’re so friendly, why do they never smile back?) but this one actually is…

Yoghurt: HOWARU™
Me: ‘Um, I’m fine thanks. I’m going to eat you now, sorry.’

But perhaps more importantly, I never knew you could trademark a type of bacteria, friendly or otherwise, and sell it to a shop to stick in food. Did anyone else know this? Am I simply incredibly ignorant in the ways of unicellular microorganisms?

Finally I just have to say, for the sake of public service, that the yoghurt was quite disappointing. Sharp, tangy and creamy, in a not entirely pleasant way. And although there are gloriously large chunks of cherry, they’re a bit dull and tasteless.

For the sake of 49p I just hope the fancy trademarked bacteria now sitting in my belly are busy educating the frankly less impressive local bacteria in how to be more polite.

A tidy blog is a tidy mind

In the spirit of not being too propagandish on this blog, I’ve set up a new page – latest work – which has links to all the articles I’ve written in the last few months.

I’ll add new links on a monthly basis, and that way I don’t have to keep littering this section every time I get excited because something that I wrote is now on the interweb for everyone to see!

What if you strapped a camera to a cat?

I’m away for a couple of weeks now, so don’t be thinking I’m lazy for not blogging! I will be very hard at work eating my way around Italy.

If you’re at a loss for something to do, may I recommend:

Find out why playground tactics are the perfect metaphor for search engine trickery

Read a smart exploration of how the new 2012 logo screams 1985 like a dodgy set of legwarmers

and see the amazing adventures of a prowling cat via a very nifty cat-cam.

Get cape, wear cape, write

Time for a spot of self-indulgence, if that’s ok. It is? Great!

For the last 3 months or so I’ve been working as a freelance journalist for a higher education portal called HERO (higher education and research opportunities).

It’s a lot of fun – I basically get to write articles about anything that’s related in some way to higher education.

We work months and months in advance, which means that only now is any of my stuff up. Of my 16 articles now online, you can read all about… how one-molecule computers are going to rock your world, what it’s like to have a baby while at uni, what a toaster that wants to be an iPod looks like, why students are boycotting Coca-Cola, how much you could earn by writing essays for lazy students, and what Jeremy Clarkson did to get hit in the face by a pie.

And if you have anything higher education-related that you think should be a HERO feature, drop me a line!

“Anyone can be a Chubster”

Found another of my hero’s blogs!

I adore Charlotte Cooper. She is a queer activist, fat activist, author, writer and editor. She is also the ringleader of fabulous imaginary London girl gang ‘The Chubsters‘.

And now I’ve found her Charlotte’s blog! Or livejournal. Whatever. Is there even a difference any more?