Why learning geordie could save your life

Language is a way of marking social inclusion and exclusion. If you’re in London and a Geordie comes up to you and says “Aalreet, gissies a tab or I’ll dunsh yee*” you know he’s not just asking for a ciggie – he’s also using his dialect to test you, and most likely pick a fight.

If you reply “Haddaway man! Ah divvent smoke**” You’re clearly from Newcastle like him, and so he might decide he’s now your best friend. However, if you look puzzled and tell him “sorry, I don’t speak Norwegian” you’ve given him just the excuse he needs to hit you.

Of course the important thing to remember is that dialect and accent need to match. If you have the fortune/misfortune of sounding like you could be Prince Charles’ old rugger chum, then you’d be better off shutting your mouth and running. In any case, it’s always useful to know enough geordie to know what it is that the frightening man in the magpies shirt is shouting in your face.

It’s not just regional dialects of course – managers hide behind cliches and buzzwords, geeks use jargon to dazzle IT-illiterate colleagues when they don’t want to fix the printer for the billionth time, and young kids immediately repeat every rude word they hear to make themselves look cool to their friends. The trick is to know a little about a lot. Learn a few words in the dialects of the groups of people you come into contact with, and suddenly you can’t be excluded so easily.

*”Greetings gentle stranger. Please may I have a cigarette, otherwise I’m afraid you leave me no options but to strike you with my fist”

**”Be off with you, bothersome fellow! I prefer not to sully my lungs with such a filthy, immoral habit”